PumaHottie (pumahottie) wrote,

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Now and then, I get insecure...

... I don't even know where to begin.

I spoke to one of my ex's today. No, not the slut, or the jock, and not the psycho... the other one. For some reason, I have a vommit feeling in my stomach when we speak. I've never been hurt like he hurt me, I've never cried nearly as much as I did then, and I've never ever, ever, ever want to go through that again. We spoke for quite awhile. I sent him afew semi-recent pics. I was shocked when he commented by saying, (quote) "You look beautiful, like I still remember you" (unquote). Later in the convo, he said (quote), "you were a great thing that happened to me" (unquote). As flattered as I am, I remember one of the most hurtful things this ex had ever said to me. Something about a weight issue. Something about his friends thinking I was "too fat" for him. And when I found out that this was one of the many reasons why we broke up, I was furious. I still am. For someone who left me because his FRIENDS thought I was "too fat", he sure changed his mind quickly. I mean, with all respect to him, I am glad that he finally opened his eyes, and realized, first of all, that I am (according to him) "beautiful". Not only on the inside but out. But, after the lovely damage that all did on my self-esteem. Being called beautiful isn't what it used to be. Oh well. As far as being "a great thing that happened to him"... I'm glad he's realized that too. But, it took 5 years. I really dunno where I am going with this at all. It's just on my mind right now. To Him, I wish you all the luck in the world with your girlfriend. Thank you for the good memories. Even though they're gone now, I no longer can remember them... and lastly, even though it would have meant a lot more hearing it back then... Thank you for calling me beautiful.

Most of you don't know this, and I never planned on telling anyone. But throughout the past 4 years, I've had minor spurts (mostly thoughts) of an eating disorder. And before you all start pouring out sympathy, and begging me to allow you to help. That's not what I want, nor need. I've found exactly what I needed to cure my... "illness". And, it was Brad. My thoughts have pretty much vanished since I met him. So, I guess what I am trying to prove is that although Brad has proven to me numerous times before that he definately has the potential to be "the one"... He still surprises me by proving it more and more each day. I guess my "illness". Wasn't quite as harsh as others. I am beginning to doubt that it wasn't even an "illness" to begin with. I believe it was me, trying to live up to expectations of others. Trying to be something/someone I'm not. The cure for this... "thing" I had was, someone who cares about me for who and what I am. Not for what I try to be, or for what I'm not. Someone who finally cares about me, not because of my money, chest, physical appearence, lifestyle... etc. (I could go on forever). Finally, I have someone who loves me for Laura.

...And it's completely amazing.

Brad, I could write a long paragraph about how much I love you, and appreciate you. But, I'm sure you already know. Thank you so much for everything... and there is no doubt in my mind that you most certianly could be "the one". I love you.

Comments would be greatly appreciated,

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